As I sit here, 5am Saturday morning...I should be fast asleep. I should be relaxing after a great night out with friends. I was fine....at least I thought. My mind is racing with whys, and hows, and WHAT??? How could this have happened, at my age, now, after all we've been through all ready? I think the reality is just now sinking in...and I'm NOT happy. Here's the story...
A little over a month ago, I was standing in line at WalMart, waiting to check out, and I'm STARVING!!! I know, never go grocery shopping when you're hungry. Really, you can go shopping, just get out quick. And, especially, don't start looking around at all the impulse buys they have strategically placed at the checkout counters. Everything looked so good. Candy bars, chips, you name it. Did I mention I was starving? But, I had decided that I was going to start eating healthy (as soon as that family sized bag of Peanut M&M's disappeared from my special hiding place at home). That's when I spied a small bag of Tropical Fruit and Nut Mix. It's healthy, I thought, and it's only a $1. Who would have known that my life would change at that moment.
After dinner that same night, I decided to pass the candy bin and eat my mix I bought. So I rationed out the approved serving size and began chowing down. It was soooo good! Dried papaya, bananas, pineapple, raisins, cranberries, all kinds of nuts...I was in heaven....for about 10 minutes. Then the stomach cramping started. I wondered what could have upset my stomach that much. So, I sat there, curled up and dismissed the whole thing to just a regular upset stomach. Thankfully, Ken decided enough was enough, and got rid of the mix (in other words, he ate the rest and was fine).
3 days later....I was hungry and wanted a snack. Cookies....no. Popcorn....no. Chocolate.....surprisingly no. Then I remembered the Tropical mix. Again, I thought, I'll be good to my body and snack on something healthy. I shook out my quarter cup quantity and began enjoying every bite. This time, it only took 5 minutes and it felt like someone was cutting me open. All night, I practically slept on the bathroom floor. On several occasions, I thought I should just go to the hospital. All the while wondering what in the world is doing this to me. This lasted for almost 24 hours. In the middle of the night is when the chest tightness and itching began. I again dismissed these signs for agitation, tiredness, anything but what I knew it was.
A week later, I made an appointment to see my allergist. I just knew it was an allergy, and my gut was literally telling me it was papaya! So, my doctor started listing all the ingredients in that mix to be tested for, including ones that were just allergen notices for cross contamination. 17 test in all!!! I kept telling him, I can't be allergic to this or that, I eat them all the time. He wanted to make sure though. So off to the diagnostic office I went.
Yesterday, my doctor called with the results: I'm allergic to papaya (I knew it)....AND...bananas and peanuts! WHAT??? No way!!! I'm 38 years old and have been eating these things my whole life. Even when we found out Kevin had food allergies, I kept my stash of goodies in my "special closet" to enjoy over the bathroom sink after he went to bed. How could I be allergic to these things now? Ken kept asking how in the world I was going to give up peanuts. No problem, I thought. It's the bananas I was upset about. I LOVE bananas. Banana bread, Banana Citrus Sorbet, banana chips, plain bananas...you name it! But peanuts, I could take them or leave them....or so I thought.
Fast forward to 4:30am this morning. All of a sudden, I'm awake, thinking of all the things I'm going to have to give up. No more Snickers (my absolute favorite candy bar), or Peanut M&M's, or Paydays or Baby Ruths. No more Reeses or Fresh Market Milk Chocolate Chex mix. All of a sudden, reality again was standing on my chest. My mind was racing. My future was uncertain. How could this be happening to me, at my age? Then the rationalizing started. It's OK I thought. I'm not severely allergic to them. I can eat them in moderation. Besides, isn't there immunotherapy to help you overcome your allergies? I would just continue to eat these foods to "help" my body over come them. But....wait, I HAVE been eating these things and my body has decided to tell me NO MORE! My doctor had told me to avoid these foods. So which is it? Avoid them and watch your allergy grow....or eat them and watch your allergy grow? It's a no win situation.
Now in no way is my allergies as bad as Kevin's. But, I can say that it is much easier to give up what you don't know, than to give up something you love. He has no idea what real peanut butter tastes like. He's never tasted cheese or butter. He's never had a scrambled egg. And he's OK with that. I, on the other hand, am older and a lot less accepting. I WANT my sliced banana on my morning cereal. I CRAVE those Peanut M&M's with my bowl of popcorn.
Have I accepted it.....Yes. Am I happy about it.....Heck NO!! Am I scared......most certainly.
As I sit here, staring at this computer screen, my mind is in a battle. One minute, I am feeling sorry for myself. The next, I am telling myself things could be worse. But, for the most part, I am wondering what else is my body going to decide it's had enough of. And will I know before it's too late?
